Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Urge vs. reason

Yesterday morning, the scale showed 156.4 lbs. I was as happy as a little fairy fluttering her little wings over deliciously scented flowers. Then, the night came upon the world, and with it - some crawling darkness enveloped my brain, and I decided to eat a second dinner some 2 hours after the first one. I did feel hungry, and though I knew it actually was nothing but an emotional hunger - I decide to go for the easy well known bad habit... and eat again.

I had only healthy stuff, like 12 grain baguette leftover, few teaspoons of light whipped cream and some low fat cheese. Healthy stuff, but way too many calories - enough to make my stomach feel stuffed and tell me it over ate, and that I made a very wrong decision!

Physically, I felt a bit heavy and stuffed. The funny part was - I didn't feel any guilt or remorse. I logically thought about my behavior, and made a conscious decision not to beat myself to death over what I've done. I told myself it took only few minutes to probably erase my morning achievement, and wondered: "Was it worth it?". Then I thought it doesn't matter what the answer was, because the deed was done, and there's no way to go back and undo it. The only option was to move forward and decide my tomorrow will be much better food control wise.

Ok,moving forward I will, but not before I check the damage I've done, since I felt I did deserve a punishment of a sort. The scale showed 160.2 lbs... 3.8 lbs more than it was that morning. Wow, that was almost unbelievable, but very tangible, but still... moving on! Tomorrow is a new day *s*.

This morning, the scale showed 158.2 lbs. I allowed myself a small smile. "We're in business again, babe! Just try to make sense of what you're doing, and moreover, of why you're doing it... and all will be well". Peace came back to my heart and decision making mechanism... till next time ;-)).

I'm not sure why I'm checking my weight every day again (didn't do it for few months), but as long as it seems everything works fine - it gives me a push to continue what I'm doing and try even harder, all in the name of reaching my goal weight, 130 lbs. And when I deviate from the path - it allows me to fix it instantly and cut my losses short.

It's not that I'm dying to be 130 lbs tomorrow for the sack of seeing myself slim as fast as I can. This is only part of it, and I don't desire - in any way - to get there too quickly, because I'll have a prize to pay (hanging loosely skin) in the long run. What drives me even more is my desire to stop smoking, and moreover, stop smoking while having the right tools and ability to fight the weight gain which will follow for sure (at least that was my experience in the past).

So that's what makes me a bit (just a bit) impatient, but the pleasure I derive of my slow progress is sweet, and as long as it acts as a booster - I'm ok.

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What is your size? is one very interesting link!!! (I've found it through One Fat Bitchy Poo). It teaches you how to figure out which is the right bra size for you. Since I'll need a new bra soon (they're getting big now), I was glad to find it. All I need now is to get me a soft measuring tape, and I'll be ready to find out and solve the huge mystery: What is my bra size? *s*.

Lorien @ 04:00 pm MT

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