May 03
Friday May 30, 2003

Rest in peace, uncle

Bad news this morning... My uncle passed away. He was 86 years old, and for the last few years very sick. For the last few months he was just fading away... quickly... and in pain.

His wife, my aunt (mom's sister), is 80 years old, and always had a very young spirit. Time with her was always filled with laughter and fun. Her spirit was always perky and humorous. She was my favorite aunt, and that's why I kept in touch with her on the phone.

Right after I talked to mom I called her to give my condolences. For the last few weeks she's changed, understandably. I talked to her few weeks ago, and even Joe noticed a change in her voice. She'd become worried and sad, feeling helpless... She didn't have too many reasons to be happy.

This morning, she told me: "You see... I'm alone now. I'm glad he's not in pain anymore, though...". She has kids and lots of grandchildren and even a great grandchild, but losing her other half leaves a great void inside her.

They were married for 57 years. As a young couple with a few months old baby they left their family in Bulgaria and made an "Aliya" to Israel. They always were a model for me because of their lifestyle. They were always active, went to swim every day and traveled a lot. Deep inside me I decided to try and live the way they did. I thought that was the right way!

And now, it ended. I'm sad to be so far away, and not be able to attend the funeral, but that's the way things are, I'm afraid. Rest in peace, dear uncle. You'll be deeply missed by your family...

Lorien said it @ 11:52 AM MT

 

Tuesday May 27, 2003

A trip to Israel... and some cats

I've told you before about Rebecca, the Canadian girl who is in process of becoming a Jew. She had some wonderful news for me this morning: She's going on a visit trip to Israel in June!!! She'd like to get some suggestions on where to visit while she's there. Of course, I've sent her a list, but if someone wants to add some more - you'll be most welcome! *s*. Let's help her make this visit a memorable one!

She also sent me this picture, which made me fill so warm inside. Rebecca participated in the recent Walk with Israel that happened in downtown Toronto on Sunday. And she writes : "It was amazing.... SARS or no SARS, thousands came out and proudly walked the streets of Toronto, waving flags, to show support for Israel. :-) ".

Rebecca at Walk with Israel in Toronto

I wish you a wonderful time in Israel, Rebecca. Take care, stay safe, and enjoy every minute of it! *s*.

And now, something for you, Wynne. You asked for some cat's pic... so there it is! Ask, and you shall receive!!! *s*. Those cats were living in our back yard back home in Israel. At the time, there were 6 of them, and my brother took their pics a year ago or so. I'm afraid the red one is not among the living anymore... Cats of the back yard
I don't know about the other one... They were sure beautiful, weren't they?

Lorien said it @ 10:24 AM MT

 

Saturday May 24, 2003

Pet party in the park

Just imagine it... hundreds of pets (mostly dogs) and pet lovers gather together in the park on Saturday morning to party. Sounds fun? You bet it was! All sizes, all colors, so many breeds... I don't even know some of their names, but they were all there, meeting other pets and their "moms and dads".

There was food selling for dogs there... Psychic for dogs.. Massagist for dogs... Artists painting caricatures of dogs... Boy, that was a real happening for pets!!! *s*.

And yeap, there were 2 pet pigs there as well. I tell you, one of them even knew what to do when his owner told him to sit!

So we walked around, taking pictures and enjoying watching the pets. Most of them were polite and behaved nicely. There was one dog who attacked a smaller dog who sniffed him. His owner was so embarrassed, and said he was sorry so many times. Oh well... that was funny *s*.

Don't forget to click the thumbnails to see the bigger pictures!

Cool dude! Where am I? Life is good!
Hey... Up there... Be afraid... Be very afraid! Look at me!

Lorien said it @ 06:13 PM MT

 

Thursday May 22, 2003

On brassiere and such

Sally Johnston thinks Bra shopping is hardly titillating.

"Can someone just help me find a bra that FITS!

In terms of "Hateful Things Women Must Do That Men Should Have To Do At Least Once In Their Life," buying a new bra ranks right up there with mammograms and pap smears. No, really.

It's no wonder the '60s feminists burned their bras. It wasn't because they wanted to be liberated but because the stupid things weren't comfortable.

Having been an owner of breasts for 38 years, you'd think I'd have gotten the hang of it. But I haven't.

Shopping for a new bra is not a titillating task. I hate it so much that I delay it until my existing ones are in tatters".

This is a hilarious piece!!! I think every woman will find it so familiar! Go read it before they replace it with something new of hers. Joe found it... You should've heard him giggling when he read it. It reminded him of my trip to the mall, to find a new bra for myself. I wrote about it too, but I can't find it right now. Oh well... If I will, I'll link to it. Go read Sally's... It's so funny!!!

I'm feeling much better today, thank you. Cleaned the main floor, then went to the gym and worked my little butt out, and now I'm sitting here, giving myself a facial. Yeap, life is good when one is healthy *s*.

Lorien said it @ 07:35 PM MT

 

Wednesday May 21, 2003

Feeling the shits brings me flowers

Not much to tell, only that since Monday I feel the shits... like I'm heaving a cold that doesn't want to mature and leave. Evenings and nights are the worst. My body feels like it has been beaten. In the mornings I feel better so we went out for long brisk walks yesterday and today.

I'm not sure if it's my body that is sick, or my spirit... maybe it's a combination of them both. Anyhow, Joe brought me flowers last night, and it sure gave me a fuzzy warm feeling inside. There's nothing like flowers to make a sick, miserable woman feel better... and loved!

That's how he shows me he loves me Love

Lorien said it @ 03:34 PM MT

 

Monday May 19, 2003

No escape from dreadful reality... anywhere

I was surfing Israeli blogs this morning, only to find gruesome photos of dead people from the bus bombing in Jerusalem yesterday. Those photos were taken by Rauters Israel's office, and I'm telling you, they made my stomach go upside down. I couldn't believe my eyes. The Israeli media doesn't show photos like that out of respect for the dead, wounded and their families, and quite right... They shouldn't! But apparently Rauters doesn't care... If it's in the news - show it.

Then I talked to mom and bro, and while talking, the bombing in Afula's mall occurred. We parted as they went to watch the news, and I continued surfing and reading what I could find. The feeling of suffocating stress in my chest just grew and grew... to no end.

So going out for a bike ride seemed like an opportunity to escape... from the terrible news that kept coming in from Israel for the last 2 days. 6 terrorist attacks in 2 days... SIX!!! The devil unleashed his murderous servants on the soil of Israel, giving them a specific order: "Bring me as many Israeli souls as you can!"... and they do...

So out we go after choosing our trail for the day. The weather was sunny but windy... seemed ok. We drove to the SE part of the city, parked the van close to the river and started biking along the Bow.

The trail was hilly in some part of it, and the wind blew right into our faces. It was physically hard at times, and at some point I had to step down of the bike and drag it and myself up the hill. My "fuel" ended right in the middle of it.

Somehow, it wasn't enjoyable. I felt sick, my nose was running... I felt like coming down with a cold. Not much fun, but a very needed effort to try to distract my thoughts from what was laying heavily on my heart.

Then, we saw the Pelicans. They were parking in the middle of the river, on an island, doing their thing, whatever that was. A bit later we reached Carburn Park, where we stopped for coffee by a small man-made lake.

While sipping and watching the lake, suddenly we spotted the flock of Pelicans up in the air. They were gliding with the wind in

Pelicans parking lot
circles, all of them going in the same direction, allowing the wind to carry them without too much effort. Hypnotized, we watched the show, as the flock was climbing up a bit with every circle. Up and up they went, changing their colors from white to black as different parts of their body were facing us.

At one point it seemed they vanished... They reached the clouds. We wandered out loud: "Why are they doing this "ritual"? What was the purpose of this majestic glide in circles, climbing higher and higher???". Both Joe and I wished - for a sec - we could've had a taste of this feeling... Being up there, gliding above the earth, above the clouds... on the wind... free...

This family of geese was swimming in the lake beside the bank where we were sitting. They came up... probably to look for food. They walked close to us to check if there's a chance we'll give them something, and when realized we won't - they turned and went back into the lake. No fear was apparent in their behavior. It seemed they're used to people around. Parents' pride
I find it very interesting that geese mate for life, and have family life. At this time of the year you can see lots of "families" like this one walking around. The male and female stay together as long as they live, and both take care of their chicks. Heart warming, isn't it? That's how I finally felt. A bit more quiet, a bit less stressful. Watching wonders of nature always does it to me. Whatever bothers me goes a way for a while, and some quiet tender feeling sets in. And god knows I needed that so much!

Saying "Happy Victoria Day" to my Canadian readers (though it's almost over) and "Happy Lag Ba'Omer" to my Israeli readers is called for... but somehow... It wasn't happy for me today, and probably won't be happy for the Israelis tomorrow. No escape from dreadful reality... anywhere...

Lorien said it @ 10:00 PM MT

 

Saturday May 17, 2003

And it happened again... Rampage all over the world

7 people killed, 20 wounded in Jerusalem bus bombing. And the murderous son of a bitch was disguised as a religious Jew. A kippah (skullcap) and tallit (prayer shawl) were found on him. Sick!!!

Jerusalem bus bombing - May 18, 2003
Photo captured from CNN TV broadcast

Husband and wife killed in Hebron suicide attack.

A married couple was walking in the street near the square when a suicide bomber wearing a white shirt posing as a yeshiva student raced out of the nearby Arab cemetery gate, ignored soldiers at a nearby position who called out for him to stop, and raced towards the couple and blew himself up.

The man died at the site, his wife, who suffered multiple injuries, died shortly after arriving at Hadassah Hospital in Ein Kerem.

Look what else happened this week:

May 16, 2003
Casablanca follows fate of Riyadh as suicide bombers kill more than 40.

The multiple suicide bomb attacks that killed at least 41 in the Moroccan city of Casablanca on Friday (16 May) night have all the hallmarks of yet another Al-Qaeda-linked operation.

May 14, 2003
Death Toll in Chechnya Truck Bomb Hits 60.

"It is becoming ever more obvious that a terrorist international with al-Qaida at its head is trying to shift to a counterattack against the entire civilized world after the defeat in Afghanistan," Yakovenko said. He said the world must strengthen its fight against terrorism.

May 13, 2003
At Least 20 Die in Saudi Arabia Bombings. That was then. The death toll came up to 91 later.

Just do the math yourself. Those who are behind this rampage... their objectives - all have one thing in common.

I don't know about you... but I'm scared. I'm very scared!

Lorien said it @ 11:23 PM MT

 

47th Anniversary

47 years ago, today, my mom and dad got married. For 47 years, they have gone through thick and thin... together. No matter the situation - they did it all... together, with my dad being the bandwagon's driver.

After 47 years, they're still together, though nowadays my mom is the driver. And even though dad doesn't remember old times anymore, and how they walked together through the years, he still knows for sure that mom is the one who takes care of him, and makes sure he has all he needs.

Happy 47th Anniversary
No matter how gloomy the present is, a 47th wedding anniversary is a very good reason for celebration. Happy anniversary, mom & dad. Don't forget to click the photo... I have something for you *s*.

Lorien said it @ 12:01 AM MT

 

Thursday May 15, 2003

The ugly side of the Net

I've found this post in my guestbook:

I am the author and self publisher to a new [Description] book that may interest your viewers. [Name of the book] features [description] from all over America who give a [Description].

The author of the book signed with his/her full name, E-mail address and Url to the page which advertises the book.

No "Hi", no acknowledging he/she visited and would like to share something of his/hers... just pure advertising... Pure SPAM now also in my guestbook!!! Grrr..... I've found it to be a very annoying and rude behavior! Who wouldn't???

So I wrote to her:

Hello [Name]

You came to my guestbook and left this comment :

[Citation of the comment above]

I'd like to tell you that I consider this very rude!!! My guestbook is not there for people to advertise themselves!!! It is for people to leave comments regarding their visit to my site. You didn't even bother to say "Hi". If you asked me politely to advertise you, I might've done that, but this way - it sure is annoying!

Please don't do that again... and of course, your comment will be removed.

Lorien

So just imagine what I felt when his/her answer came:

Lorien, Remind me which website guestbook is yours so I won't return. I've visited so many, and you're the only one who has complained.

No name... Hell, no apology either... just a thick insinuation that I'm the "bad" type in this all thing. After all, no one else complained (really???), so why have I? Grrr.........

I'm sitting here thinking to myself: "Should I even bother answering this?'. His/Her ignorant (and still rude) reply and the manner he/she puts words together state the obvious: He/She doesn't understand why what he/she does is NOT ok, or more likely understands it all too well but doesn't give a shit.

I know what you think... Why bother with a stupid rude ignorant? One click, and they're gone. Yeap, I could've done that and forget it... but it came in a very wrong time for me. Lately, I seem to bump into the ugly side of the Net, and to tell you the truth... I'm so disgust and fed up... I even had a thought yesterday to leave it for a while. Yeap, after 6 years and 3 months online, suddenly I felt I don't like this thing called the Internet... Didn't feel I'm enjoying being here as before...

I have a weak spot when it comes to rudeness. It makes me nervous, agitated, nauseous... blah. What would you answer to this guestbook spamer? Would you bother at all? Am I crazy to bother? Would you like ice cream? ;-))

Lorien said it @ 03:19 PM MT

 

Wednesday May 14, 2003

Deep Impact: Send Your Name to a Comet!

I've found this at weblog wannabe:

To make a Deep Impact on Comet Tempel 1, enter your name below. It will be included with other names on a disc attached to the impactor spacecraft, which will collide with Tempel 1. You can make your own personalized certificate after you click the "Send My Name" button with your name entry.

The idea so suits my love for space and sci-fi, and because no other part of me will ever go to space... at least my name will *s*.

So, here's my certificate. Of course, our real names were on it, but I've saved it to my machine and made the changes *s*. Go, sign your name and get your own certificate.

Lorien said it @ 05:17 PM PT

 

Men are like...?

Got this one from a friend. It's funny, yes? *s*... I wonder what a similar list on women will hold as content in it... Any suggestions?

1 Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3 Men are like Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
4 Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
5 Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
6 Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
7 Men are like Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
8 Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
9 Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
10 Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooo long to mature.
11 Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
12 Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you but only for a little while.
13 Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
14 Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not very bright.
15 Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Lorien said it @ 12:16 PM MT

 

Tuesday May 13, 2003

5 years, and counting

Another year gone by without us paying any attention. 5 years ago, today, Joe and I met for the first time at Calgary's airport. I've told the story last year, so if you feel like reading it again, click here and scroll down to May 13 post.

5 years of my new life... with this incredible attentive guy! All I can ask for is that our future time together won't be worse.

We had our special dinner last night, since Joe is working today. He made most of the stuff, and it was just delicious *s*.

So this one is for you, sweetheart... Happy meeting anniversary *s*.

More than enough

Just to feel your arms around me so many time each day
Would've been enough
Just to see the spark in your eyes when you look at me
Would've been enough
Just to have those romantic dinners with you
Would've been enough
Just to go out to nature and explore new horizons with you
Would've been enough
Just to know you love and accept me the way I am
Would've been enough
Just to see you so happy and content with my presence here
Would've been enough
Just to know I'm yours and you're mine
Would've been enough
Just to look back and not to have any regrets
Would've been enough

Just to know you give me all that
And so much more
Is more than enough!

x

Lorien said it @ 08:50 PM MT

 

Monday May 12, 2003

Spring time in the city

Spring time is THE time to visit Calgary's Devonian Gardens. This is an indoor park, located at down town Calgary. Spanning three levels in TD Square, Devonian Gardens is one of the world's largest indoor parks. Today, it houses 20,000 plants representing more than 135 varieties of flora.

We went there yesterday to check the place. Click on the thumbnails to open in a new window.

Colorful beauty Can you hear the music? Indoor waterfall
Serenity More music Big gold
  Orange ball  

Later, we took a walk in the downtown area. And that's what the camera saw:

Through the glass In the middle of

For desert, we drove to the Golden Acre garden center to check the merchandise. After all, it's spring! We're getting ready for planting *s*...

Shy

All photos were taken by Joe. If you feel like giving love - give it to him *s*.

Lorien said it @ 05:20 PM MT

 

Sunday May 11, 2003

My mom

My mom... A bride

Another Mother's day here in North America. I read people's words, how they're going to celebrate it with there moms, and I wish we could too.

I have Mom's hour every day. That's the hour I talk to you, mom. It's our special time of the day, each and every day. You always tell me that if Joe and I have plans to go out, you and I can skip a day... "It's ok with me", you say... "There's always tomorrow". But you know what? Our special hour is very dear to me, and I wouldn't want to miss it even for one day.

We both need this hour... It's not as if we always have something new to tell each other. But as the need comes, you're there to listen to me, and I'm here to listen to you. And sometimes we just sit together... in silence...

So yes, when I don't see you online, all kinds of thoughts start running in my head. It's because I know that our time together is special to you as it's special to me, and while I don't know why you're not there on the other side of the net - I worry. What can I say? That's how I am *s*.

I love you mom. And all I ask is to have this special hour of ours for a long long time. Happy Mother's day *s*.

Joe would like to say few words too, mom:

Dear mom. After reading R.'s words to you, it makes me understand how important the time you two spend together each morning is. I can't talk to my mom anymore, so it feels great to hear your voice. Your laughter and sense of humor makes me feel happy. I thank you for the kind words that are coming my way from your direction. Mom, I love you very much, and hope you'll have a wonderful Mother's day.

Lorien said it @ 01:25 AM MT

 

Tuesday May 6, 2003


Happy Birthday, Israel!

Israel celebrates its 55th Independence day. Celebrations starts today, May 6th at 8 PM Israel time. Happy birthday Israel. May you continue prosper and grow... May peace come to your borders... May the children of Israel know no wars anymore.

Lorien said it @ 10:40 AM MT

 

Monday May 5, 2003

With all of you over there, in my homeland

07:51 PM... still daylight outside... sitting here by myself (Joe is working)... The radio is playing... Galei-Tzahal, the Israeli army channel... 04:51 AM, early morning in Israel. Quiet songs in the radio... sad songs... very well known songs... songs that were born out of wars... out of a fight for survival... battles... out of lost... tremendous sadness... ("Tell me how to stop the tears... Tell me how you live with death...")

08:00 PM... The memorial candle is burning on the table. It's always 9 hours difference between here... and there. Everything happens here 9 hours later... ("Keep your soul safe... Keep you life, your wisdom... keep your life").

More than any other day of the year, today I'm so an Israeli... within. Memories of this day are still fresh and alive. Me listening to the radio on this day. The most beautiful songs can be heard on any Israeli radio channel today. And with the songs come waves of feelings... of sadness ("It's not fair... The way we're born... The way we live... and the way we die here" says the broadcaster).

("We were born into a country... that was wounded and sorrowful. You gazed at us, held us close, seeking consolation. When we were born, the old men gave blessing with tearful eyes. They said – "Please God, these children won't go to war” Children of winter of 73).

I'm missing it... to be there... with all the others... to shade a tear... with all the others. I'm so much part of it all too... still.

Lorien said it @ 08:40 PM MT

 

Memorial Day in Israel

Remember

People of Israel, remember your sons and daughters,
The loyal and the brave,
The soldiers of the Israeli Defense Forces,
And all the underground warriors,
And the fighters' brigades in the people's campaigns,
And all the people of the Intelligence and security community,
And the police force' people who defied death while fighting for the revival of Israel,
And all those who were murdered in the land and outside its borders by murderers from terrorists organizations.

Remember, Israel, and be blessed with your seeds, and mourn the splendor of youth,
The delight bravery, the holiness of will and extreme devotion of the soul
who had been killed in the heavy campaign.

Be the heroes of Israel's wars, adorned with victory,
Sealed in the heart of Israel from generation to generation.

Lorien said it @ 01:56 PM MT

 

Sunday May 4, 2003

How would you know who's your friend?

Cynthia just sent me an E-mail with a Test of the Emergency Friendship System. What the hell... I'm going to check it on Joe... should be fun to finally find out if he's truly and really my friend *s*:

A Friend

Accepts you as you are * 100% true, as amazingly as it sounds. He's crazy, I know. I tell him so myself.

Believes in "you" * Yeap... totally... He told me so today on the phone, so I know it for sure.

Calls you just to say "HI" * Oh no... "Hi" is not enough for him. He has to tell me "I love you" as well. Every day, after he finishes his lunch, he calls. Not to mention the times he calls from the main floor to let me know he's home. He's so quiet I can't hear him getting into the house.

Doesn't give up on you * Never, unless I'm very clear I won't change my mind no matter what he says. Then he gives up on the argument... to regain his peace and quiet *s*.

Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) * Since there's so much for him to envision (I occupy lots of space, ya know)... he's a little behind... but he promised me he'll reach the feet soon *s*.

Forgives your mistakes * Nothing to forgive! I don't make mistakes *wink, wink*!

Gives unconditionally * Oh lord... he sure does! I wonder sometimes why... he says that's what love is!

Helps you * mmmm... Let's see... What does that mean??? Ok, ok. He does.

Invites you over * ... to his side of the bed. Yeap. All the time.

Just "be" with you * We can sit in the computer room, each one besides our own computers, and just "be" together. From time to time one of us will share a piece of news, a beautiful digital photo, a laugh, a flash movie... just "be" together.

Keeps you close at heart * He has a tattoo of me on his chest, right bellow his heart... yea, right!

Loves you for who you are * As I said, he's crazy. No, let me rephrase that. He's a masochist!!!

Makes a difference in your life * What can I say? He IS a big part of my life.

Never Judges * Oh well, after long and hard conditioning, he's learned to do that *s*.

Offer support * You should see him dragging me up the hill when we go out for a walk. Oh well, if he leaves me right out there, who will make dinner for him, yes? *s*.

Picks you up * I swear to you, he did it last week, though I warned him it wasn't very smart to lift all 156 lbs of me. He could've lost his balls... and what do you know? He didn't!

Quiets your fears * in a most wonderful way. He wraps me with his arms, lets me sink into his chest and tells me he's there with me, and that it's ok to cry. And I cry, oh yea. Can you miss such an opportunity???

Raises your spirits * When my spirit is low, he takes me out for a ride in the van, to a high spot in the city, so we can sit quietly and watch the lights of downtown.

Says nice things about you * All his work buddies know me, even though I didn't met them all yet. And when I do meet one of them, it's the same old story. "All he talks is about you", they tell me.

Tells you the truth when you need to hear it * Ach... I don't like it, but yes... he does!

Understands you * Did I say "crazy" already??? It takes one to know one!

Values you * Yea, but willing to exchange me for a big herd of sheep... few camels... and some peace and quiet! *s*.

Walks beside you * Hand in hand... even when we go grocery shopping... always.

X-plains thing you don't understand * till he's ready to quit and die... I understand it all... slowly *s*.

Yells when you won't listen * No... never heard him yell... He hates yelling... but can catch my attention in other ways.

And Zaps you back to reality!!!!!! * Well, I have a confession to make. I was a dreamer, always flying high above the clouds. This guy... he brought me down to reality, without asking me to let go of my dreams.

Now you know why I love him so. He's my best friend... ever!!!

Lorien said it @ 04:07 PM MT

 

Saturday May 3, 2003

Many times he could have been challenged... and wasn't

CBS's planned four-hour miniseries, "Hitler: The Rise of Evil", on a young Adolf Hitler rise to power drew lots of criticism last year, especially from Jewish leaders who were afraid the series might humanize the hateful dictator, and won't do justice to history.

But now, Jewish leader praises Hitler series.

Last year, Abraham Foxman, head of the Anti-Defamation League, said it was "distressing that people would spend talent, time and money to make this man human."

But on Friday, Foxman commended CBS and the film's producers for teaching a history lesson in a powerful way.

"Not only does the brilliant portrayal by (actor) Robert Carlyle show Hitler for the monster that he was, but the film shows how many times he could have been challenged and wasn't," said Foxman, a Holocaust survivor. "It makes us understand how fragile democracy is and how potent evil is."

The series will be aired on May 18 and May 20. I hope I can watch it here. I think you should watch it too.

Lorien said it @ 10:10 AM MT

 

Friday May 2, 2003

Fly... or die...

The comment to the post bellow, which is actually a quote, made me stroll down memory lane. The quote is from George R.R Martin's A GAME OF THRONES (which I've never read), says Mithrandir, and it goes like that:

"it seemed as though he had been falling for years. "Fly", a voice whispered in the darkness, but Bran did not know how to fly, so all he could do was fall. The ground was so far below him he could barely make it out through the grey mists that whirled around him. Even in dreams he could not fall forever. He would wake up before he reached the ground. "And if you don't ?" the voice asked... "I can't fly," Bran said "I can't, I can't". "How do you know ? Have you ever tried ?"... "I'll wake up when I hit the ground" Bran told the bird. "You'll die when you hit the ground", the crow said. Every flight begins with a fall... "Now", Bran the crow urged. "Choose. Fly or die". Bran spread his arms and flew".

Fly... or die...

How familiar I am with the meaning of these words...

After I've met with Joe for the second time in Holland on September 1998 (The first time was in Canada, on May 1998), we both returned to our homes knowing we had one major decision to make. We talked about our need to give ourselves a chance... To check if our online romance was more than a notion in our minds... To see if it can survive and flourish in the real world. We both realized the only way to do so was to live together for a while and see how it goes. We both realized one of us will have to leave everything behind - family, friends, home, a job - and move... to the other side of the globe.

That wasn't an easy decision to make. Deep in my heart I knew from the beginning I'll be the one to move. All the facts pointed to one conclusion: I didn't need to learn a new language, It'll be much easier for me to find a job, It'll be much easier financially on both of us... thus, I was the one who had to move.

So that was the situation I was in: Few months earlier I've got a permanent position in my working place, something I've been working hard for for 3 years. Now I had to give this position up all together, not knowing if I might need it back later, knowing for sure that once I left - there won't be any open place waiting for me if I decide to return.

And then, there was my dad... and Alzheimer disease. A situation that had put some very hard obstacles on us all. I knew the only option I'll have to meet with my parents was to go back to Israel to visit them. They won't be able to come and visit me. And even more, I knew that I won't be able to help my mom taking care of my dad... And that laid heavy on my heart.

Alongside all the above, there was my miserable history. I was 39, single, living with my parents. I've lived with this conviction I'll never find the one man that was meant for me for years. I accepted the "fact" I wasn't meant to be married. I was miserable to my core!

And I was in love with Joe... and I wanted to give it a try... give us a try. But... there were no guaranties that it'll work, and I knew I was facing a very hard adaptation period in a strange new place, with no friends, no family, no one but the one man I loved so much.

So those months before the move were like living hell for me. I missed Joe terribly, and in the same time I fought my inner fears. All sorts of demonic voices run inside me, trying to showcase what was needed to be done. One told me to do it, to take the chance and live with the consequences. Another told me I was crazy to give up the familiar surrounding for a strange place and a strange guy. A third whispered I'm not an adventuress, and why the hell do I even consider a change like this. And another, the most annoying of them all, said: "if you don't try it, and you give up your love for this man for the safety of the familiar things, you'll never know if it could've worked. Can you live with that? Can you? can U? CAN YOU?"...

"Spread your wings, and fly high", said this voice. "You must find out if your happiness is just around the corner. You must take the chance... because if you don't... there's nothing left to hope for... because if you don't... you die"...

The stress was unbearable. It took its toll on my health. I believe that was the time I developed my high blood pressure, and not only that... I started to lose my hair.

All in all... I've chosen to learn to fly... and never stopped since. There are occasional falls from time to time... nothing is perfect in life, but I've also learned to get up quickly, and spread them wings again.

Thanks, Alon, for making me go down memory lane today... and relive the most important decision I'd ever made in my life *s*.

Lorien said it @ 08:53 PM MT

 

Thursday May 1, 2003

In between, caught in a limbo of death... are the innocents

I didn't mention the last homicidal terror attack on the Tel Aviv promenade Mike's Place's pub on the 29th... 4 dead, 50 wounded. I didn't mention that both terrorists were British citizens, and how easy it was for them to cross the border as peace activists... I just didn't...

In despair, I'm lost for words. I hate to start my comment with the title Again every time it happens... Darn, I so hate it!

What can one think when all these scenarios are happening in the region right now? On one side, There's a new Palestinians government, On the other side, there's the road map, and the question what it'll bring to the table, and yet, there are those who don't want to stop their way of terror, who don't accept the existence of the state of Israel, who vow again and again to bring it to destruction.

And in between, caught in a limbo of death... are the innocents...

How it'll all come to an end... escapes my understanding...

Lorien said it @ 07:44 PM MT


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