Friday, January 19, 2007

Struggling, but don't know why

The last few days were imbedded with an unexplainable nervousness. Nothing special happened to jump-start my lack of peacefulness and yet, my mind was wandering and unclear, and could actually feel the tension all over my body. As often happens in this situation, my thoughts run to the one recourse they've chosen before to find solace - food. I'm finding myself having these endless talks with my inner need to stuff my face to no end, trying desperately to calm it down.

And yet, I didn't lose the battle. Yesterday my eating was very fine. Today I've allowed myself to munch on an extra Rye cracker (40 calories) which doesn't seem such a big of a sin right now. So actually, even though I wanted to binge on extra food - I didn't. And so far I didn't exceeded my quota of cigis either, so I'm ok in that front too.

At one point I decided to put the house cleaning aside, went downstairs to the basement and walked on the treadmill for 1 hour in hopes that it will calm me down. It helped, though just a bit. Later, whenever I felt like smoking or eating, I went upstairs to the computer room and online... reading... whatever... just to stay away from temptation (a year ago, after renovating the computer room , we decided we won't smoke in the second floor anymore).

It's the first time, this time around, I feel a bit discouraged and doubtful I'll be able to get to the finish line. It's all an emotional doubt, very fit for my former self. I know it's only temporary... I mean, I'll make it temporary, because I won't surrender quietly, hell, no!

I just wish I knew the reason for me being so restless and nervous........ darn!

Lorien @ 10:50 pm MT

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