A week has gone by

Hellooooo........ Is there anybody out there? Finally I'm here to write few words. A week since I left my home to go home. Time is going by. Lots of feelings running inside, not ready to be put in words yet.

I've met my dad on Friday for the first time. He has changed since we last met last year... a lot. His shoulders are hanging loosely. He looks much older to me. He smiles from time to time, but his eyes are empty. He's doing well at the nursing home, getting used to the place. The place is clean and has devoted staff, but looks sad to me... depressing. Seeing the people there doesn't do good to the soul. Mom says I need to think in a positive way... that dad gets the care and help he needs. It's true, he does... but it's hard to see him in this environment... very sad.

We went to Be'er Sheva (the southern city in the Negev) on Sunday, to visit my aunt and cousin. It sure was nice to see them again and spend the day in talks, smiles and jokes. We plan to meet with my aunt again next week, in the Dead Sea. Mom, bro and I will visit her there for 2 days on Monday and Tuesday, and we'll celebrate mom's 70th birthday together. I'm excited to see the landscape, and hope to take lots of photos there. I don't remember when I last saw the Dead Sea, but I'm almost sure it was close to 20 years ago, so that will be special *s*.

Other than that I'm doing fine. It's wonderful to spend time with mom and bro, meet old friends and experience the Israeli life again. I do miss my Joe a lot, though we talk every day, sometimes twice a day, so it makes it a bit easy to be so far away from him.

The weather is nice... not too warm... not too humid. It keeps in the mid 20's for now, so it's nice. Back home in Calgary it's snowing already... and very cold.

I'm sorry I don't have time to visit my reads... It's just not possible. I hope you all are doing ok.

Till next time...

Lorien said it @ 05:28 PM Israel Time

Time to say good-bye

That's it! My last post before I leave. Tomorrow, few minutes after 2 PM, I'll be on my way out of Calgary. I'm flying to Minneapolis, from there to Amsterdam, and then - Israel. It's going to be a long tedious journey... but a it'll take me back to my homeland, family and friends *s*.

I'm not sure I'll be able to post here much. We're going to be very busy, me and the family, and all the people I'm going to meet. But I'll try... One thing's for sure, though. I'll be updating my photolog with photos from Israel, so Joe can share my time there. So check it from time to time, if you will *s*.

And if by any chance you want to keep in touch, write to me at: lorien2003_is [at] hotmail [dot] com , and I'll try to come back to you as soon as possible. Change the address to make sure I'll get it. I hope the spammers want pick it up when it's written like that!

Ba-bye, people! I'm flying away...

Lorien said it @ 01:53 AM MT

More good news

Dad had a great first day at the nursing home! He ate everything that they had to offer. He agreed to take a shower (something that mom had to fight with him for, and almost always lost). He was very happy to see mom, and gave her a huge smile... the nurse said he had tears in his eye, poor guy... Mom wasn't sure...

Mom had a walk with him in the garden, and then they sat in the living room for coffee, while a lady was playing the organ for the residents (That's how they call them there. Not patients!). One of the nurses asked the residents to dance with her, and while she got to dad, he said no at first, but later got up and moved around. Cool, isn't it?! :-))

When mom and bro were ready to leave, he grabbed mom's hand and didn't want to let go. The nurse talked to him, quietly, and finally they left... with a feeling they did the best thing for dad. He will be taken care of properly, with lots of love and attention. Good... very good!

...

And me? I'm washing my clothes and gathering all the stuff I'm going to take with me (I hope I'll have enough room in my suitcase *s*). Now that my worries are smaller than before, I'm getting excited and anxious to go...

All I can see in my mind's eyes... is mom and I hugging each other at the airport. Gosh... that will be so wonderful!!!

Lorien said it @ 01:53 PM MT

Done

Gladly, the move went very well... much easier than we thought. Dad was calm, and went into the car without any arguments. Mom was accompanied by the lady who used to take care of dad in the mornings, who asked to join the ride. Bro followed them with his car.

When they arrived at the nursing home they were helped settle dad in by the stuff. Dad's stuff was marked and put away in the closet in his room. Mom gave some more info about him to the stuff, and later all 4 of them set down to have lunch together. The food was good, dad cooperated, and after lunch he went for a nap in his room, and the stuff told mom and bro they can go home, and come to visit whenever they want - for now. From their experience, some people get worse when family members come for a visit on their first few days there, so we'll have to wait and see how it goes with dad, and act accordingly.

I feel relieved in away. The day went fine, no problems occurred, and from now on dad will get professional help. Mom was told they will perform all kinds of medical tests on him, to find out how he's doing physically - something that hasn't been done for a long time. She also said that before she left, the night nurse talked to her, and said: "You go home and rest now. You deserve it! We'll take good care of him from now on!"

"And she was a beautiful blonde", mom said. "Dad is lucky!" ;-))

Lorien said it @ 11:00 AM MT

Reality change

So tomorrow morning (Israel time) my dad is leaving home to a new "home", a nursing home which seems very promising (and they should, considering the amount of money they charge for their services per month!).

Mom is at the end of her rope right now. The stuff she had to endure from dad for the last few weeks is too gross to describe here, so I won't. But I can understand that she can't take it anymore. No one could! While talking to her today, she said the suitcase was packed and ready, with all the stuff the management of the nursing home listed for her to bring with dad. She says it's like packing to go abroad, and yet - so different. Dad is going on his final journey... the nursing home is his last destination in life. From there - no more journeys, no more exploration of new places, no more perception of reality... no more of anything!

Reality change... it's so sad, but so true!

Understandably, I feel stressed right now... worried... I so hope the move will go ok. We don't know how dad is going to react to the fact he has to go in a car. He hasn't been in a car for ages. I'm glad the place is sending people to help mom move him. I hope they'll know what to do and how to do it so it'll be easy on everyone. But... I have to wonder... What - if anything - will cross what's left of dad's mind when he senses all this activity around him? Will he cooperate? Will he object? Will he be quiet and submissive? Will he be aggressive? I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow to get my answers... and the waiting game kills me right now...

Dad's sister and brother-in-low came today to say good-bye. Mom says they talked to him, hugged him... There's wasn't any spark of recognition in his eyes... He didn't even smile to them. Mom and bro also said they know that when they'll go visit him, he won't recognize them either. I knew that was the case for months now. Nothing to do about it.. That's this cursed illness which peels dad off his dignity... off everything... and leaves him with nothing but his shell.

As things go, part of my reality right now is also getting ready for my trip. I have to, since it's only 4 days away. I got me a nice short haircut today, went shopping for some last things I needed, and now we're going to do grocery shopping for Joe. The guy has to eat while I'm gone, right? Right? So I'll end it here... and try to post some more tomorrow...

Thanks to those who showed interest and left/sent encouraging words. It helps a lot... more than you know...

Lorien said it @ 07:25 PM MT

It's getting close

Strangely, time is running fast for me these days... In 8 days time I'll be leaving for Israel. Usually when I waited for the time to come - or at least it always happened before - time always seemed to be crawling. This time, it runs like crazy. I wonder... Might I be a bit scared of what awaits for me over there? I think it is very possible I am scared. I'm going to face hard times on this visit, lots of mixed emotions, regarding both my dad's leaving home and the current situation in Israel. I don't know how I'm going to react, what I'm going to feel... it's pretty much in the dark right now...

I'm lucky to have my photolog to keep me busy these days. I've found something to get lost in, something to share with my man, something which brings me lots of satisfaction and makes my creative juices flow again...

The pill I needed... and before I knew it - another day has gone by...

It's getting very close now.

Lorien said it @ 11:30 PM MT

The beginning of the end

Strange, sad times... {silent sigh}... On September 20th I wrote a post named Daddy's little girl [1] because it was my intention to write some more about my dad. I thought I finally was able to put into words all the feelings and thoughts regarding the man I call dad... but damn, it is so hard. Every day I sit here and ask myself if I'm ready to write some more about him... and then I turn from the thought and do something else... like working on my photolog. It's much easier to deal with photos than words these days...

The dad I had is long gone. The person he was is no more... The person he is today is an empty shell... only a dim, pale shadow of what he used to be... with capabilities of a one year old, and no hope for a better future. His road will take him only down... to a bitter end.

Living with Alzheimer decease is a slow dying process, and I mean death of the soul more than of the body. Dad was diagnosed some ten years ago, and since then his road systematically took him to intersection where he had to give up his abilities and qualifications.

During these long years, mom was there to take care of him and the family. And she did it in the outermost admirable way. She always said that as long as she can take care of him and provide for his needs, his place was at home with her. Her fear was that there will come a day when she could no longer take care of him, mostly for physical reasons. "Then", she said "I won't have any other choice but to find a good nursing home for him".

This day came some two months ago...

Mom came to the bitter conclusion that the time has come around the middle of August. She realized that not only she couldn't take care of him anymore, the fact that he's still at home prevents him from some kind of care that professional people can give him, and maybe make his life a bit easier.

When we talked about that few weeks ago we decided (together) that mom will find a place, and will take care of all the paper work as soon as possible, and by the time I get there, we'll move him to his new home... together.

But mom did some thinking of her own... and last week she let me know she decided to move dad BEFORE I get there on October 24th. "Your blood pressure might get sky high again", she told me. "You're so emotional these days, and I don't want you to go through the day of the move. You don't need this stress, and besides... I'll be able to keep myself calm and dry if you're not there... but with you there, I'm sure the crying is inevitable!".

I didn't know what to say... I was planning to go there to support her and be by her side while going through this life changing step... and it turned out she was considering my well being more than herself... as usual. At that moment, I couldn't love her more... or be more proud of the person she is. People see their kids grow and change and become better people... How many kids see their parents grow and change???

So dad is leaving home on what seems to be his last trip. We don't have any idea how he'll accept the change, or even if he'll notice the change. What we know very well is we all fear the change, the dramatic change that our family is going to go through in less than 2 weeks... the change that will change us as family for good.

We'll take each day as it comes... together...

in hope that dad will get the best care possible in this new place...

in hope that mom will start living again after those long years of voluntary imprisonment...

in hope that this curse will never fall on our heads as well...

in hope that out of this sorrow, we'll learn to live our lives to the fullest...

I don't know... I'd better finish here.

Lorien said it @ 10:38 PM MT

New kid in the neighborhood

Remember Rebecca, who visited Israel in June, and had a corner here to report and show photos from over there? Ok, then. She now has a new blog online called I Dream, Therefore I Am, which goes right away into my blogroll. Please visit her, people, welcome her to the blogosphere and make her feel at home. She has lots of important stuff to say... and a special way to say it.

Good luck, kido. "Break a leg" *s*.

Lorien said it @ 08:14 PM MT

A day before Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement)

A female suicide bomber exploded in Haifa's 'Makom Maxim' restaurant at about 2:15 PM Saturday killing nineteen people and injuring sixty.

Right now, I hate this person with all the passion I find inside... She's a stranger, I don't know what made her tick, what kind of life she had... I don't want to know. I just hate her to the bone! And this feeling of hatred is so strange to me at this phase of my life... It feels horrible...

Lorien said it @ 03:19 PM MT

JoLoLog

I'm happy to announce the birth of our newest online adventure - JoLoLog. I say "our" since that's the first collaboration Joe and I share on the net. It's our photolog, a place we'll post our digital photos from now on + manipulation I do on photos. It's fun to share my domain activities with hubby. Finally he has some interest on putting stuff online ;-)).

So you're invited to visit JoLoLog. We hope you'll enjoy it as much as we enjoy producing it , and don't hesitate to let us know what you think *s*.

Lorien said it @ 12:28 AM MT